Kanzamaanjo

Every child of divorce knows that there’s Regular Thanksgiving, and then there’s Sad Thanksgiving a few hours later. Try not to leave extra room.

Past covers have been graced by the Kardashians, Bill and Melinda Gates, plus both Lindsay Lohans from The Parent Trap.

That home-wrecking 22-year-old slut who scanned IDs at your dad’s gym and is now sleeping in your mother’s bed wants to be friends?! What a fucking skank…

When it was dad’s night to take the kids and breastfeed them, he wasn’t as good at it as mom.

As a child of divorce, you have faced unique hardships growing up that no one else could understand, but fortunately, these unparalleled challenging experiences prepared you to make the most amazing art the world has ever seen.

Look, anyone who thinks it’s weird clearly isn’t a child of divorce, because it’s not like you’re related by blood or anything.

Getting two separate sets of holiday gifts may sound nice, but in reality, it leads to a lot of clutter, especially for an 8-year-old looking to downsize.

While other viewers may puzzle over the nightmarish vision of tiny old people emerging from a paper bag and crawling under a door, anyone from a broken home will immediately understand the symbolism—and what to do with the blue key.

Ugh. Any time mom and dad had a big fight, you knew you were going to go outside the next day and see dad sleeping with a pillow against the chimney.

If your parents split up, then you’ve inevitably gotten two sets of Christmas presents, gone trick-or-treating eight days straight, and watched the ball drop in Times Square three separate times.

While you definitely had some welts on your forehead at first, you eventually got pretty good at ducking when your mom took off her wedding ring and hurled it at your dad from across the room.

It doesn’t directly relate to their parents’ separation, but still, any kid of divorce knows that climate change is real, and it may be too late to do anything about it.

Trekking across town from your mom’s jazz performance to your dad’s interpretive tap recital was hard enough when they were married.

Every kid with divorced parents remembers the heart-pounding jitters from waiting their turn in the courthouse to sing in front of the judge, who will determine the custody and visitation agreements accordingly.

Getting your first period or ejaculating on yourself while you slept was always an endeavor, because you had to do it twice, otherwise one parent would feel left out.

Custody hearings were hard enough without your parents arguing over visitation days, grabbing both your hands, and pulling so hard they tear both your arms straight off, shooting blood everywhere.

Sorry if Mrs. Doubtfire and The Parent Trap set you up for unrealistic expectations, but putting your parents’ faces on the dancing bodies of George Bush and Al Gore is just sad.

Fun!

That PS5 you got for your birthday is the new patriarch of the family for the next 3 to 5 years.